I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
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Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?