@rachiecandice: I've reached the point in my life where I'm ready for a life partner. But I'd probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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@LaziestCanine: A fish's Google search history: - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory? - do fish have short term memory?
@murrman5: [parent/teacher meeting] "you must've read to him as a baby" *leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn't even know him when I was a baby
@AndyAsAdjective: [my kid, literally every school morning] "I hate mornings. I'm not getting up" [1st day of summer vacation] "dad, can we watch the sunrise"
@SteveSuckington: *Wife screams* "THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT" *I approach, raccoon cracks it's knuckles. I turn around* "It's his house now"