I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
lol
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.