@rachiecandice: I've reached the point in my life where I'm ready for a life partner. But I'd probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
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@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my tires look like donuts? Cop: Get out
@david8hughes: [first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine