I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
The Joker was right
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position