EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
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Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably