A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Why am I like this?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”