I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare