I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?