It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago