@gorrdano: I've replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I've ever done but it's ok, I'll rob him when he's dead.
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@CoolCamel69: *pulls home cooked meal out of oven* *family awkwardly stares at me* Yup, this is definitely not my house.
@dadopotamus: “Do you believe in past lives?” I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
@KenJennings: I ordered a red ottoman online yesterday and now all my self-aware sidebar ads are a never-ending David Lynch fever dream of red ottomans.