i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market