Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Oh my God.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”