you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
The funk soul brother
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.