I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs