I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
🙅🏻
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Check your privilege
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.