@mommy_cusses: I've resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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@millercycle: Whenever I’m pissed off at my wife, I go to the thrift store and replace her favorite jeans with the same style two sizes smaller.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "It's very expensive." - Chipotle employee "Look, I got money to spend in here." - Julia Roberts Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
@murrman5: my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
@jus4golf: 15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar. How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!