@mommy_cusses: I've resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
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@KimmyMonte: Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold
@TheRealNickKay: [MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
@awesomeseank: Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
@Petote: BF went to text me "almost there" It came out "almost dead" So hungover, I wrote back "thank god" And now he arrived and things are awkward