I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.