I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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This is I, Robot all over again
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations