@TheSweetestD_: How to properly use a paper clip: 1. Throw in garbage 2. Use a stapler

@Jake_Vig: DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating? ME: Mostly cholesterol.

@SteveDutzy: Remember, if you get dumped, it's only because they're looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@KentWGraham: I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

@sarah1mc: I should probably see someone about my mental health, like a drug dealer or bartender or something.