I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
You Might Also Like
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
thank god
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.