Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.