My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
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Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.