*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
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Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
is this meant to deter me
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet