I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
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“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.