My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You Might Also Like
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I’ve had worse
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches