Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’