I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water