I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.