I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*gets down on one knee*
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.