I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
You Might Also Like
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*