@mattZillaaaa: I've seen such a change in myself this past year. I've really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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@awkwardphilippe: [opens fortune cookie] -You will have a great night "aw, that's neat, wait there's more" [unrolls note further] marish clown assassinate you
@woodmuffin: "For my next illusion" the magician announces: "Free will!" Everyone starts clapping but they don't know why
@kibblesmith: But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
@Donna_McCoy: I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.