@mattZillaaaa: I've seen such a change in myself this past year. I've really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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@TheMichaelRock: The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.
@troublewinks: Officer: You drinking? Me: You buying? Oh how we laughed and laughed.... PS: I need bail money.
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?