I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
You Might Also Like
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!