I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
You Might Also Like
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I have no passwords left in me
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.