Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
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Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?