I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Anyone want a chair?
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
kitchen magnet
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls