I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
whatcha thinkin bout
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My nickname in high school was “who?”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.