@pizzajaynow: I've spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law's killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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@ashmensch: *guy getting eaten by a shark* Guy: I just wanted to say I'm Vegan. Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
@SamGrittner: You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
@prettysadmostly: I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the--nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
@MrsJekyllsHyde: Coworker: I don't even know what's wrong with me. *sighs Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer