I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Put this video in the Louvre
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit