I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
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Sooo many times…..
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment