I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
You Might Also Like
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice