I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!