I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
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Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
One of the best
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you