Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You Might Also Like
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.