@FeelingMervis: I've started an elimination diet, It's where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
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@simoncholland: I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
@UncleDuke1969: Receptionist: "That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose." Plastic Surgeon: "Good! That'll save me some time. Send her right in."