[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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inventing words: clothing
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I didn’t come here to be called names
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.