I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?