I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.