I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
As the Lord intended
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.