I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
You Might Also Like
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Awesome parenting 😂