I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Had to try this trend 😊
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you