Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri