I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
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I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist