I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
#NeverForget
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The Others (2001)
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.