I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent