I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.