I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts